Life
This has been a good year so far. And when I say good, I mean painful. Haha. I’m thankful, though, because I’m finally being forced to decide what it is I want out of life. Rather than thoughtlessly going with the flow, I’m having to make decisions. I don’t really like making decisions. Well, I don’t mind making decisions for others, I just don’t like making those big, life altering ones for myself. I’ve definitely always had a direction that I was headed in life but didn’t think much about the details…
“What I really want to be doing is living abroad,” has come out of my mouth a hundred thousand times in the past two years. About a month ago I realized that I’m the only keeping myself from doing that. Rarely do opportunities drop into your lap that are the epitomy of your dream. I’ve never actually heard of that happening anyway. Most people who’ve realized their dreams have worked stinking hard for them. So I went out looking and all of the options I came across had something or another that I didn’t like about them. I came to realize that now is not the time because there are a number of things I’m accomplishing by being right where I am. So suddenly I couldn’t bitch about wanting to live overseas. It actually took a huge weight off… knowing that I am consciously making the decision to be here.
Not long after that major breakthrough, another opportunity presented itself. It was an even bigger deal to me because it was basically a dream of mine since I was a kid to live in this place. I was stoked and ready to peace out of Tulsa in a hurry. But as I started to really think about it, I started to question if the timing was right. A part of me didn’t care, because IT’S MY DREAM! But another part of me was concerned because so many things seemed right but a few were not. I talked to some friends about it and the last thing that one said to me was, “It sounds like you are trying to talk yourself into it”. I just sat there knowing that he was right.
So there I was, with one less thing to complain about. It’s actually quite freeing to decide upon something and know that I made the decision. I didn’t just stumble my way through it.
There are more decisions to be made in the next few weeks. I’m freaked out because this is all new to me… but I’m also excited because knowing what I want (at least more so than when this all started) and making decisions with that information is a huge deal for me. I really want to stop talking myself into doing things that I don’t really want to be doing. I’m pretty sure that most of those little things that bug me wouldn’t bug me if I was doing what I loved.
1 Comment