I’m a flight risk. I came to that conclusion the other day, amidst a great deal of stress. I made it through the ordeal without any major issues. Thank God. I’ve been pondering my situation though. I can’t stop. I like to think it’s a good thing to constantly re-evaluate life and my reasons for doing what I do. Some days I wonder though. It tires me out.

We recently spoke with our old boss in Korea who told us he needed teachers again. The girls that replaced us are leaving. I can’t believe it’s been a whole year. I’ll be honest and say we considered it. We even leaned towards leaving for about three days. I started to get stressed though because we came back to the States for a few reasons, reasons that we felt were holding us back in our international endeavors.

We both felt like Matt getting his degree was important. Not sure why it matters, really, because the things we’d like to do don’t require one, but there are a few opportunities out there where a degree might open doors. Matt’s been rocking the socks off of his classes. I’m so proud of how well he’s doing. BUT it’s not like he’s always dreamt of getting his degree in Oklahoma or that there aren’t other collegiate options out there.

We also came back because we felt like we were getting worn out. We weren’t travelers when we left the country. We count Korea as our first real trip because we never left the room resort on our honeymoon in Puerto Vallarta. I thought life would be easier at home, things like shopping and visiting the doctor were fairly stressful in Korea. I can honestly say I look forward to shopping even less than I did in Korea and I’ve had just as much frustration with my American doctors. Maybe even more so when I take into account how much I’m paying for their services.

Another fear I started to develop had to do with preparing for retirement. I felt like I needed to get a career. And a 401k. I like my job and was so fortunate to get it. It is probably what keeps me from jumping on a plane tomorrow. I have come to realize that there are many ways of planning for retirement, it comes down to doing it. And considering lay-offs and buy-outs, you are never really guaranteed a job for life anyway. And, seriously, how depressing is it to think you’d be doing the same exact thing for the next thirty years? Shoot me now.

I also felt like we needed to come home and get settled so we could start a family. Now that I’m here, the last thing I want to do is get a house and have kids. I would feel like life was over and I’m just not ready for that quite yet. I had a dream the other day where we were living in the Middle East and I was holding a baby. Not sure if we’ll ever live there or if that was even my baby, but I woke up really happy. I want to experience so much more in life and I don’t think that having kids should hinder that. I do think if we got pregnant now, it’d be harder to pick up and go, but I could see us starting a family abroad and having it be no big deal.

I miss being abroad. I miss the walk to the convenience store being an adventure. I miss taking pictures of seemingly insignificant things because it’s the first time I’ve ever seen them. I miss being out of my comfort zone. Financially it makes more sense going back to Korea. We actually took home more money there. I wrote everything out and if we worked in Korea for two more years, we’d be completely out of debt, excluding my student loans. And I could get the camera I want sooner. And we could travel more. And I could finish getting my black belt in taekwondo.

I can’t help but wonder if this life that I’m living right now is what I want. If it all ends tomorrow, will I have been happy that I stayed? If at the end of two years, when Matt gets his degree, something crazy happens and I’m incapable of traveling, will I think I had wasted the last two years?

Yet, there is something there that I can’t put my finger on. It isn’t necessarily a bad feeling or one telling me not to go but I’m cautious because of it. I don’t know what it is. Which is why I go back and forth every day. Which is why I say I’m a flight risk.

Matt and I both took time off next week. We were planning to go camping but we both decided camping in 100 degree weather didn’t sound very relaxing. Instead we got some photography tutorials and we are going to watch them and mess with our cameras a bunch, sleep in, scoot and spend lots of time with each other. It’s going to be nice. And I’m sure we’ll do a lot of talking about all of this.